|Anonymous posted #1499 ★ Making It ★ Tuesday 3rd of December 2013 01:09:12 AM ★ posted on Out & About
|>Be last year
>Be out of college with shit job
>Spend months working on portfolio
>Gym 3 days a week to counterbalance sedentary lifestyle
>Girlfriend of 7 years cheats on me after we start a long distance relationship and we break up, absolutely devastated
>Drown sorrows in work and exercise
>"Let it Be" by The Beatles plays on Pandora station
>Start to become more active, surfing, rock climbing, hiking
>PRs every week, lifts heading into advanced benchmark
>Finally a call back from a studio doing freelance, still working from home
>Fast forward to this year mid summer
>Decide to quit shit job but notice a new qt3.14 cashier, 8/10
>One day shes gone for an extended period, fuck thats right college starts up again
>On day I decide to put in two weeks shes back on register
>Fuck it, time to man up. Grab oatmeal from shelf and wait in her line.
>Give her my number and later that night she texts
>We eat pizza, kill time at fun factory because we haven't been at one in years, go to a rock climbing gym
>Dropping her off, she hugs me and I hear an audible gasp
>Shit must of crushed her on accident, was still excited from the day
>Next date is a movie night
>Drive to a scenic point and watch Forest Gump on my car's DVD player
>We lose interest and start to make out
>OMG Anon, she pushes me away
>Heart drops, think I've fucked up
>Starts to feel around arms and body, hugs me again and pulls away
>She has the biggest grin on her face
>You're big. Holy shit anon, you're so BIG! You're so out of my league, you're so hot
>Before I could respond the backseat of my car starts to fill with her spaghetti
>She tells me how nerdy and unattractive she is, how she still watches cartoons, still collects pokemon cards to complete her binder, how she has small breasts compared to the other cashiers, etc.
>She jumps to 10/10 because of all the nerdy things shes into
>We have one final kiss outside my car when I'm dropping her off, her knees give and I catch her before she falls.
>HOLY SHIT ANON
>Carry her to her door like a boss
>She starts to cry because she says I'm a dream come true. Asks me to flex in her doorway
>Raise my arms up and strike the Zyzz
>Do you want to come in and see my pokemon binder?
|Tags: No tags yet.
|Anonymous posted #1498 ★ fancy dinners ★ Wednesday 20th of November 2013 01:28:52 PM ★ posted on Embarrassed
|Wife is a nurse and has fucked up stories:
>man comes in because of urethra infection
>wife asks him about diseases, sexual activity, etc.
>guy says nothing abnormal; it just started hurting
>exam, dr prescribes medication, send him on his way
>over the course of the next month the same guy comes in for the same thing three times
>doctors are getting sick of his shit
>"seriously, you need to tell us what you're doing, this is really bad."
>guy finally cracks
>"i'm hired to go to wealthy dinner parties, inject wine into my bladder through my penis, and then walk around the table refilling the guests glasses."
|Tags: wine and piss
|Anonymous posted #1497 ★ fuckinbirds ★ Tuesday 19th of November 2013 08:31:10 AM ★ posted on Out & About
>first day of kindergarten
>be at recess
>all of a sudden..
>thousands and thousands of birds
>all of the kids who had gone there the previous year know what's happening
>5th graders start screaming "RUUUUNNNNNN"
>everyone screaming and running in just random directions
>birds are flying low as fuck squawking and shitting everywhere
>literal bird shit everywhere
>kids are tripping and covered in bird shit
>every man for himself at this point
>spot cover under the bus ramp by the school
>b-line to the bus ramp
>make it shit free
>just as suddenly as they appeared, the birds were gone
>just fucking went from thousands of birds to fucking none
>step out to look at the carnage
>hundreds of children crying and covered in bird shit
>i think a total of like 70 kids went home that day
>happened every day at the same time for two weeks out of the year when i went there
>fucking crazy shit man
|Tags: fucking birds
|Anonymous posted #1496 ★ My first time ★ Thursday 14th of November 2013 02:01:53 AM ★ posted on Embarrassed
|So a week ago i finally lost my virginity. things didn't exactly go as planned.
>live in small town
>been in love with my best friend since we were 15
>deep in the friendzone
>she has douche-bag bisexual bf for about a year
>would do anything for her
>have painted her nails just to be close
>she tells me she wants me to do a 3some with her and teh douche
>figure we will take turns fucking her
>ends up with him fucking me while she watched
>only got one kiss off her
>cried when he came in me
>sat in the kitchen crying and eating the pizza id bought for us all alone while they cuddled
>next day they got into a huge row and split up
>she tells everyone how he fucked me to get revenge on him
>fucking everyone knows i got buttfucked
>dad came home from bar yesterday and beat the shit out of me
>grounded for being a "filthy queer"
|Tags: bisexual gay virgin used buttsex
|Anonymous posted #1495 ★ My Wee todd did woom mates ★ Monday 11th of November 2013 07:51:38 AM ★ posted on Tards
|The assholes that live with me would tell you Im there roommate. Truth is they live under my.roof and I hate them he's a 44 yo drunk shes a 30+ yo mother of 5 (big suprise to find out 4got taken) and she can barley care for herself let alone a 2yo child. She got fired today for telling a known snitch how much she hates said snitches friend (another big shock snitch is a nigger) so insted of him continuing on to work he comes home too likes i give a fuck. so recap hes a massive drunk also shittttyyyyyyy parent she is wee todd did and I just pissed in there sprite. Ive also stolen things, rubbed my sweaty nuts on her pillows and troll there kid every chance i get
|Tags: douchebags abortion needed wee todd did kid
|Anonymous posted #1494 ★ getting hot in here ★ Tuesday 5th of November 2013 11:18:54 PM ★ posted on Out & About
|>Be me 15 years old with friends 18+
>Underage and can't do shit
>Ran away from home because of abusive dad
>Never seen my mom. she was dead as far as I knew
>Bad choice to run away because I live in the worst part of Denver and my favorite color is red
>After many hours of walking around in my red T to try and get the my friends house
>Begin to get weird feeling of being followed
>Ya right I thought why would anyone follow me? Oh shit im in like 50% red (also had on red shoes)
>Bastard must think i'm a blood (can now see the guy behind me in 1000% blue)
>Understood that I will die if I don't do something
>Run into the nearest building which is like a 100 story high skyscraper
>Now im looking around for where to go. Decide to take the elevator to the 50th story (there are 56 stories)
>Don't look, don't look, don't look CRAP I looked there is that blue mother fucker
>Instinctivly curl up into a ball and hold onto my knees for dear life luckly he didnt get me but damn he's relentless
>Soon I arived on the 50th floor but on the way up I remembered in movies you can see the floor someone else is going to
>Crap he knows where I am now. I thought that any floor but the top would be safe because of my retard logic
>Oh, well shit what do I do now, but this is where to story gets crazy I decide to run up the emergency stairs but on my way up
>I Hear this loud music coming from what im guessing is the roof
>Now im on the floor below the roof I see a few signs saying authorized personal only, but up above my head I hear music in the air
>Folks screaming out of control because apparently when I opened the door it knocked over a gasoline canester into the bonfire on the roof
>Everyone is freaking out and im at the only exit, but behind me I see this crip with the niggist face ever hidden in his hood
>Rampage of drunk shits running at me from one side and crip with a knife behind me so I do the only logical thing
>Not sure how many people have been in a near death experience before but it's like you can do anything
>Open the door get on the floor out of the way of the fire and let the herd run over that smirf motherfucker
TL:DR - I escaped a wild gorilla
|Tags: oh lawdy what we do naw
|Anonymous posted #1493 ★ I masturbated in front of my whole family ★ Saturday 26th of October 2013 03:44:02 PM ★ posted on Embarrassed
|I masturbated in front of my whole family when I was a kid, twice.
Basically, I something like 8-9 or maybe more. I absolutely didn't know what masturbating meant.
There was this guy, one of my father's friends, that was always making fun of me. One evening we were having dinner, and this guy was making fun of me, just for laughs. He was saying that I had a small weeny. I got really mad, I stood up on my chair and started yelling "my weeny is not small! it's not!" he kept going on so I turned around, whipped it out, and instinctively started jerking it. I couldn't cum obviously but I still got an erection. I turned around, showing it to everyone triumphantly, while saying "SEE? I CHARGED IT, IT'S BIG NOW!"
And everybody was laughing in a really awkward way, while I'd move it around for everyone to see "see? It's not small"
This thing has been dormant in my mind until a few days ago when I suddenly remembered
Now I realize what I truly did..
|Tags: i masturbated in front of my whole family
|Anonymous posted #1492 ★ Elias ★ Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 11:03:51 AM ★ posted on Out & About
|>have a cousin named elias
>really fucking annoying
>always acts like a badass and will intentionally piss you off so you get mad
>anyways be 9
>everything is fun and getting into fights wasn't my thing
>one day i go to a christmas party at my other cousin chris's house
>me and chris get along great
>fucking around all night, eating cookie dough and playing yu-gi-oh
>there's going to be a white elephant
>fuck yeah early presents
>elias gets to chris's house just before the white elephant
>me and chris sit as far away as possible
>my brother got stuck next to him
>elias farts in his hand and holds it to my brother's face
>bro freaks out and starts flailing around
>starts crying, has to go somewhere else
>fucking dammit elias
>he's been here five fucking minutes and he's already making someone cry
>his parents never acted like they saw anything he did so they didn't have to say anything to him
>white elephant starts
>everyone gets present
>everyone unwraps at the same time
>and that's when i see it
>the only present i've ever wanted
>darth maul's dual headed telescopic lightsaber
>had to have this fucking thing
>eventually get it
>so fucking stoked
>after white elephant ends i immediately start breaking it in
>fighting off the punk ass rebels all night
>grandma comes in and says that the cookies are done
>i leave my new lightsaber on the table for a quick cookie or ten
>come back with a face full of cookie
>and then i see it
>with my saber
>i walk up to him
>"hey if you wanted to use it, you could have asked"
>he says "this is mine now"
>try to explain to him that i won it and that he needs to give it back or else
>"or else what"
>really passive so i try not to get the situation too heated
>"just give it back"
>"i've got a better idea"
>he turns it on and starts flailing it around like he's dueling me
>fuck he's armed
>he's not being careful enough with it
>finally i reach for it and he backs away really fast
>one head of the light saber cracks in half
>the sound of the crack echoes in my head for a little while
>i stare blankly
>he says one simple thing
>tosses it on the floor and looks at me with a shit-eating grin
>vision tunneling to his stupid fucking face
>feel my face getting really hot
>he starts to chuckle a little
>i launch from my position and jump on him with as much force as i can muster
>pretty much body slam this motherfucker
>clasp both my hands together and bring them down hard on his stomach
>nine year old muscles have no remorse
>i just keep bashing his stomach
>no fucks given at this point
>pure rage flowing through me
>adrenaline is making everything feel like a dream
>feel a hand reach behind my collar and lift me up
>all the adults come running in from the kitchen
>from the broken lightsaber to elias clenching his stomach on the ground, the adults get a good idea of what just happened
>elias's parents just say "what happened"
>I tell them that he used my lightsaber without permission and then broke it
>my parents are pretty aggravated because this kind of shit happens every christmas with this fucking kid
>elias's parents take him home
>my parents tell me i'm in trouble and i have to open up my presents the day after christmas
>christmas day comes and everyone is opening their presents except me
>my grandma comes in and asks me to help her make some more cookies
>she says hurry and get to the car
>she gets her keys and rushes me out the door
>we fly out of the neighborhood
>drive all the way to walmart
>my grandma bought me a new fucking lightsaber
>fucking love my grandma
>come back home and my parents ask me how i fixed my lightsaber
>don't rat out grandma and say it's chris's
>they believe me
>rest of christmas goes well
>played pokemon with chris and bro all day
>haven't actually seen elias since
|Tags: cousin annoying faggot
|Anonymous posted #1491 ★ A fly on the wall ★ Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 09:45:08 AM ★ posted on Worst Things I've Done
|>A stray fly that entered in from outside has been bugging me all day, even after I cleaned up anything that would make him want to stay around.
>Eventually he flies by and I swat at him in the air.
>He falls into my empty coffee cup that has only a little bit of coffee on the bottom.
>I watch as he slowly drowns in the dense, sticky, liquid.
>I keep watching and he keeps struggling for a good 10 minutes - trying to swim out.
>He actually starts making it but the thick syrup is holding him back.
>I'm actually starting to like his gumption - he never quits, he's the underdog, he's a true hero of faith and hope.
>Finally he gets out of the pool and I cheer him on as it seemed like he was gonna give up but he gave it one final go
>He's making it up the side of the cup and almost to the brim - slowly dragging his tired and fatigued body to the top.
>He's gonna make it, brah
>He makes it to the top and looks around his area as I congratulate him with pride on him making it.
>He looks so happy and he thinks he's gonna live.
>I then take out my lighter and burn him to death - watching the liquid boil around him and his eyeballs pop.
And then I felt bad. Am I a bad person?
|Tags: insects murder fly animal_murder
|Anonymous posted #1490 ★ BBQ ★ Monday 21st of October 2013 05:39:36 AM ★ posted on Out & About
|>sitting at lecture minding my own business as usual
>barbecue grill sits next to me
>few minutes pass
>out of the blue she asks what's my favourite pony
>fuck me how did she know I'm an autistic virgin who watches MLP
>mumble something to her and leave the lecture room
>outside realize I had accidentally left my My Little Pony pencil case to my desk and everyone could see it
Fuck, she was probably just a pegasister and wanted to chat
|Tags: mlp pony friendship is magic poni ponny